How to be a star in the GOP. Go on cable news shows and complain about how corrupt everything is but never actually do anything about it.

Tyler S. Farley

If you’ve been considering a career in politics, specifically the modern-day GOP, let me give you some tips on how to climb the ladder and then cement your place as a longstanding Republican member of Congress or the Senate.

The first and most important step is to become a mainstay on Conservative radio and cable news shows. Appearing on cable news shows is much more important than actually doing any work.

Think about it. When you’re in your office actually working for the people that voted for you, nobody can see it. It goes unnoticed. But when you go on cable news shows, everybody can see it. So the choice is clear, all your focus should be on cable news appearances.

But what should you say when you’re on those shows? Well, that’s easy. You need to sound exactly like the voters you are pandering to. Complain about out-of-control corruption, complain about overreaching laws, and complain about Democrats.

But you’re probably asking yourself. “Won’t the audience want me to fix all those things if I bring them up all the time?”

No! That’s the beauty of being in the GOP. Conservative voters are so desperate for someone in power to actually lend a voice to their beliefs that they’re happy to hear them being articulated in the media at all.

Complete media censorship has made it so Conservatives feel as though nothing they say can ever be spoken in public. So the bar is set so low all you have to do is agree with them and they’ll see you as a hero. You can complain all day but then never actually do anything about it. It’s the perfect win-win situation!

Senators like Lindsey Graham and Rand Paul have made a very profitable career out of this exact method. Simply go on TV and repeat what you read on Conservative message boards. Your clips and sound-bites will be shared far and wide and people will think you’re fighting the good fight even though you’ve never accomplished anything at all.

Unfortunately, you can’t run your whole career by doing 2 minute cable news show appearances. Eventually you’ll have to attend a Senate or Congressional hearing of some kind. But even though this comes dangerously close to real work, you can still use it as a great opportunity to grandstand and achieve nothing in the process other than produce content for some sweet viral video clips.

Here’s what you do, spend a few days perusing political message boards and look for some snappy and witty one-liners that will totally embarrass liberal talking points. Then, when it’s your turn to speak at the Senate hearing, pepper your prepared remarks with a few of these stolen zingers you got from the internet. Once again, these sound bites will go viral and you’ll be seen as a hero of the Conservative movement.

So if you’re considering a career in the GOP, make sure to follow the preceding advice. Remember, the goal isn’t too actually fix any of the problems you see, the goal is to trick voters into thinking you’re actually fighting for them when instead you’re just going along with all the corruption yourself.

Make sure to check back next week when we teach you how to use these same methods to rake in big cash through campaign donations!

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